I’m writing this the day after the latest school shooting in Uvalde, TX. I've felt sick and angry all day. Part of me feels hopeless and confused, too, and I imagine shaking my fist at the sky with a demand to know WHY? 

But we know why, don't we?

Have you noticed how many of these mass shootings start with the perpetrator killing a female family member before going on his rampage. One of the first and most notorious mass shooters, the University of Texas Tower sniper, started by killing his wife and mother. The Uvalde killer started by shooting his grandmother in the face. 

We have to talk about the male supremacy that some men feel compelled to enforce with violence. 

And of course almost all mass shooters are men. Out of 128 mass shootings in the U.S., 123 were carried out by men. 

We have to talk about male violence and how it is embedded in most versions of masculinity. 

We have to acknowledge there is a culture of misogyny, lone wolf masculinity, and gun worship in this country that leads to these spasms of hate-filled murder. Add in racism and white supremacy and a studied lack of compassion or community and the bullets fly.

I'm not making much sense this morning...sigh. I'm just trying to be a man, calling out male violence and the culture we all participate in. I am filled with grief.

I am so relieved that I have brothers like @Graham_Goulden, @ErikBecker42, @RemakingManhood, @BranchSpeaks, @boysenh, @FinntasticMrFox and @VernonAE who are working on remaking manhood and redefining strength all over the world... otherwise, I would despair

And, while I hear some making a really valid case for "raising our boys differently" let's be honest... we have to change ourselves and each other; no amount of careful parenting, mentoring, or teaching is going to counter the culture of violent expression, emotional repression, and enforced isolation that surrounds boys.

We men first have to build awareness of how most of our versions of masculinity are rife (or at least infused) with dominance,  oppression, and glorification of contest and combat. Let’s admit that even the most peace-loving man among us struggles with the urge to dominate, dismiss or dehumanize the other. If we peaceful, feminist men deny our darker side, we only repress it, rather than heal it. 

We men also need to seek out each other to help build a community of support for altering our expressions of masculinity to reveal all the capacity we have for closeness, cooperation, inclusion, and healthy emotional expression. Join a men’s group. Get transformational coaching. Seek therapy. Ask for help from Spirit, God, or Nature. 

And we men need to start taking concrete action alongside 
@MomsDemand, @GabbyGiffords and others to make it clear that we oppose violence and that men can be and feel strong without violence, without weapons of war.

We can be men who demonstrate the absolute power of fierce nurturing, active community building, bold vulnerability, intense play, deep grief, soaring joy, sparkling curiosity, and a fire for life everywhere. We can. Let's do this.

​

Build Awareness

• Remaking Manhood Podcast
• The Mandate Letter
• Finntastic Mr. Fox on YouTube
• Tony Porter on YouTube

Get Help - Online Men's Groups

• www.mankindproject.org
• https://mensgroup.com/

Take Action -
Support affected communities

• The Buffalo Community Response Fund
• University Health Uvalde Victims Relief Fund
• Irvine Taiwanese Presbyterian Church Fund
  

Programs and resources for youth

• ​https://therepproject.org/
• https://boystomenusa.org/
• https://www.acalltomen.org/​

I came close to ruining the organization and my career.
Fortunately, my board believed enough in my potential to call me to the carpet and get me some executive coaching. 
I could have chosen a performance-oriented coach who could have given me some tips and exercises for better collaboration and listening. Indeed, I offer some similar tips at the end of this post. But I knew my fall-back leadership habits were deeply rooted in unhealthy self-concept AND an outmoded understanding of what leadership actually IS. In order to really shift myself decisively from one leadership mode to another, I chose a coach skilled in deep, transformational techniques. 

The work I did with my coach started off with an assignment to describe my leadership style. I was stymied. That fact that I could not even describe my style or explain what I was trying to do with my leadership was a strong indication that I was leading from an automatic, un-self-reflective place and therefore susceptible to all the ingrained but unhelpful cultural memes about Old Strength leadership. 
As my coach and I continued, he introduced mindfulness meditation to help me shift out of fear and anxiety and into a more confident, conscious readiness for change. We then tackled the task of personal purpose definition. My coach had the good sense to make sure I approached this part of the work from a deeply personal perspective. Rather than just ask me what I thought my purpose was and to list my broad goals, he had me imagine my own death and funeral [gulp] and write down what I would like said about me at that memorial. After staring at a blank page for a handful of minutes, embarrassed at the prospect of eulogizing myself, I found the words pouring out of my pen. I discovered how much I cared about leaving a lasting, meaningful impact with my work. AND I realized how much that impact would depend on my relationships with people… not my ego, not my ideas, but my relationships. 

This reflective inner work helped me understand that my worth as a human was not and is not tied to my place in a rigid hierarchy but to how much I’m able to lift other people up so that they feel powerful. I was now ready to move my frightened ego out of the way and into its proper place behind purpose, impact, relationships, and the greater good.   With deep introspection and support, I discovered that beneath my fear of failure was a powerful passion for the organization and its work. That passion gave me the courage to ask my team (the same team I’d battered with unreasonable demands and unceasing control) for help to become a better leader. Over the next few years we thrived and succeeded together, tripling the impact of our programs while keeping the budget contained. 

 Here are my key learnings from my fall-back and recovery: 

• Top-down, directive power doesn't empower or engage employees. 
• If you feel frustrated and alone, it's likely because you've separated yourself from your team. 
• Don't be afraid to ask for help. Most people will happily rise to meet you.
• Take time to listen to your heart and soul so you can stay connected to your passion and purpose.

Promise
My personal story is not an exceptional one. Despite decades of organizational change research and cultural progress, old, outmoded, unhelpful, and unhealthy leadership styles and modes remain in our psyches and systems. You can see old strength ideas in quotes like: 

• “Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.” – Lewis Grizzard 
• “In the simplest terms, a leader is one who knows where he wants to go, and gets up and goes.” ~ John Erskine
• Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way.” ~ Gen. George Patton
• “Keep your fears to yourself, but share your courage with others.” ~ Robert Louis Stevenson
• “My job is not to be easy on people. My job is to make them better.” ~ Steve Jobs

OR Memes like: 

• “My way or the highway.”
• “Failure is not an option.”
• “Only the strong survive.”

Or practices like:

• Top-down decision making that excludes stakeholders
• Gaslighting and coverups when things go badly
• Hiring from the in-group
• Harassment, hazing, and bullying
• Executive washrooms and parking

Fortunately, even with the prevalence of old school leadership memes, practices, and expectations in our culture, it is possible to shift leadership modes and organizational culture toward those powered by New Strength. For individuals, deep, transformational work may be required. For organizations, a thorough audit of practices and procedures may have to take place. 

Call to Action
Take the simple leadership assessment that Lisa Barnwell and I created. It will help you determine how much of your leadership style is unhelpful and how much is based on brave New Strength. At the end of the assessment, you’ll have access to some additional leadership resources.

In the meantime, Choose 2-3 of the following personal leadership actions to try on for size. 

• Ask more questions and make fewer statements
• Speak last in discussions 
• Ask for help more often, even when you don’t really need it.
• Call out and compliment leadership in others  
• Learn to use coaching techniques rather than directing others 
• Eschew executive perks  
• Ensure you get 360 degree feedback 
• Display Vulnerability (Post about vulnerability coming soon!)

Also, if it is in your power,  consider making some institutional changes like the one’s below. 

• Institute check-ins to bring emotions and values into the workplace. You can read about check in’s here. 
• Implement checklists to democratize process leadership. 
• Onboard new employees with a comprehensive process that includes values alignment and  relationship building.
• Develop a formal mentoring program.
• Include consistent and comprehensive Diversity, Equity, & Inclusion training and audits.

You can take these actions to consciously push back against any unconscious or habitual use of old strength leadership. Try it out and let me know how it goes! I suspect you will find relief and relationships that sustain you and your mission. ​

A theme of #internationalmensday this year is creating better relations between men and women at work. Sounds great, right?

My conversation this week, though, with a powerful, thoughtful colleague revealed a common block to positive gender relations. As we talked about how my work with men includes harassment prevention, he grimaced and said, "I've never gotten that whole thing. I've always treated women with respect. I just don't see it."

This is the big elephant in the room, isn't it? There is a great gulf between women's lived reality and men's _perceived_ reality. At least 38% of US women experience harassment at work and 95% of the time, the perpetrators go unpunished. Women know this. They live it, feel it, make personal and career decisions around this reality, and it affects their ability to rise, succeed, and lead.

Most men, though, are not perpetrators. Most men are not the target of harassment. Most men do not experience a hostile work environment. Our _perception_ is that everything is fine. And until we accept that our perception is not the whole reality, there will always be this gap in our relations with women at work. The perception gap will prevent men from being true allies and prevent women from feeling free and fully engaged at work.

This Men's Day, it's time for men to help other men widen their circle of understanding and perception to include women's experience. It will be uncomfortable... widening the circle includes taking in some painful new information. But if we want a really effective workplace and true equity, it's time to bridge the gap.

(And here's the secret, selfish reason to do the work... Men who are effective allies at work report more personal growth that helps them be better husbands, partners, and parents. Bonus.)

I invite men to follow social media accounts that talk about how men can make a difference. My go-to twitter follows in include:
@SpeakUpAtWork
@remakingmanhood
@emrazz
@feministabulous
@JasonRogersUSA
 
I also invite you to join me  on Clubhouse every Friday at noon EST to engage in a facilitated conversation with men who are practicing the courageous work of listening, speaking authentically, supporting each other and growing in to the best, most powerful versions of themselves. 

​Let's get this elephant out of the room and make room for a couch and a snack bar!

#workculturematters #mensmentalhealth #womenatwork

Hear me out. It's time for men to help other men shift from guarded, defensiveness into full participation in a powerful culture of accountability. Victimhood and denial only serve to keep us weak and lonely.

Accountability on the other hand, calls forth our strengths around engagement, problem-solving, & exploration, all while we exercise empathy, listening, and ally-ship. 

Men, when you get called out for sexism, bullying, homophobia, racism, etc., EVEN IF you're just being included in the group of perpetrators b/c you're a man, take a breath. Stay curious, present, patient, and caring. Know that you have power. Use it to listen.

Talk to other, trusted men already working with women, POC, LGBTQi folks, etc. Ask them for insight. (Don't take advice from men who are in victim mode or who blame women. Those men have traded their strong heart for false power & a "brotherhood" of lies & complaints.)  

Build a culture of accountability inside and around yourself. Acknowledge your personal responsibility for your past actions as well as shared responsibility for actions done by other men. When we take ownership we can act and heal ourselves and others.

Acknowledge the grief and fear that comes up in you and others. Grief about the past... fear of the future. Don't deny or suppress those emotions in yourself. Find the strength to hold space for others as they feel fully. Grief frees us up to move forward.

Know that we are so much stronger on the other side of listening, learning, and grieving than we are stuck in denial and defense. Know that we are incredibly more powerful in open ally-ship than in sealed silos. Don't "go your own way!" We need you here!

• Looking for other ways to move toward real, authentic, useful strength?  Download my helpful "New Strength" guide. It outlines the 4 obsolete strength modalities to avoid, and introduces 4 ready-to-use modes that will improve your life and leadership. Click the button below. 

​

Workplace culture experts like Brene Brown and Simon Sinek make it clear that everyone is supposed to “bring their whole selves” to work. Anything less is dehumanizing for the person and, according to relatively new research, limiting people’s expression and wholeness actually hampers a team’s creativity, adaptability, and sustainability. 

But whole people are messy and emotional. They have hidden histories and sometimes chaotic lives. How can you, as a leader, welcome your full, complete team members to work without getting sucked into drama, wasting time, or straying from the mission? Or worse, what if a whole person arrives at work in distress, and you do something wrong and cause more problems. You are not a trained counselor, how are you supposed to handle “whole people?” 

The key is making sure you bring your full self to work and that you employ some simple “whole-person-friendly” procedures with your team. 

I had the great honor of leading a small nonprofit organization serving local youth. We recruited 100’s of volunteer mentors and had a core administrative/program team of eight people. Our mission involved helping teen boys develop resilience and relationship-building skills so they could rise above their trauma and their life challenges. Of course, we had to ask those boys to bring their full selves to the program. Which meant that the adult volunteers had to be trained and supported so they could bring their full selves to those crucial interactions. That, of course, required that our core team be full, complete people in the workplace, as well. Anything else would have been a betrayal of the values we were teaching the boys. 
 
The techniques and practices that we used at the nonprofit to support “full selves” are accessible and applicable in any team. 

Want to build a strong team of complete individuals? Try adopting “check-ins” as a core practice. In our nonprofit team we started every meeting with a check-in, which is just a simple go-round where each individual states their name and what he/she/they is feeling at the moment. We held this “ritual” everytime we met with a cohort of teen clients or a gathering of volunteers, at the beginning of every staff meeting, and even at the start of a board meeting. This regular recurrence helped create and support an organization-wide culture of emotional literacy, vulnerability, safety, and support. 

Some tips for using Check-ins

• Note that the question is “What are you feeling right now?” not “How do you feel.” The former prompt guides us to identify emotions. The latter is more ambiguous and can lead respondents to report their physical state or to tell stories about recent events. Humans are naturally empathetic and we can connect much more equitably around emotions than specific stories.
• You may have to prompt people to choose actual feeling words. Gently remind your group that “fine” or “tired” is not a feeling. The simplest feeling list is “mad, sad, glad, scared, excited.” There is a more complete, nuanced lists of feeling words here: http://feelingswheel.com/
• The leader or facilitator can model the level of vulnerability or depth of detail. A check-in at a weekly team meeting may be shallower or quicker than one at a yearly retreat.
• Additional questions added to the check-in
• Check-ins work great for video meetings as a way to engage everyone before diving into the agenda. A text-based version of a check-in even works on Slack or Teams.

 
But what if a team member reports in a check-in a “difficult” emotion like anger or sadness? 

Say “Thank you.” 
Seriously… expressing simple gratitude is the best response. Saying “thank you” acknowledges your teammate makes several important points clear, all at once. 

• Your response validates the emotion as something real and welcome.
• By not getting emotional or triggered yourself, your relatively neutral response sends the clear message that your workplace is safe for whole and complete humanity.
• Your simple calm response shows your steadiness as a leader. 

Resist the temptation to FRAP
FRAP stands for Fix, Rescue, Advise, or Project. It is 100% natural that we want to reach out and help someone who expresses sadness, anger, or anxiety. But FRAPing moves the focus of the person with the emotion, off their own resources, and onto the advice-giver or rescuer. When we trust each other enough to sit with challenging emotion, we actually all grow more capable. 

It’s really OK to “just” sit there, in your full humanity, witnessing the other in their full humanity.

Consider If or How to Follow Up
As a team leader, you may want to follow up with your team member if they seem in distress. Resist the temptation to dig in during the check-in; let everyone check-in before shifting gears. Know that you have some options. 

1. Ask after the check-in but before diving into the rest of the agenda, “Is there anything we need to process as a team?”
2. Use a group check-out at the end of the meeting to see if an emotion has shifted. A check-out is just another go-around with the same prompt to name an emotion felt right now. In our experience, both with teens and adult team members, the meeting or discussion often provided the connection, interaction or information needed to reduce anxiety or loneliness. 
3. Do a post-meeting follow up with the team member. 
   • Ask him/her/them about their current state. 
   • Elicit ideas for self care if there’s still some distress. 
   • Offer support or accommodations in the short term. Follow any HR procedures or principles you have in place. 
   • If teammates seems stuck in their emotion, make sure they have access to outside help and support. Consider referring them to counselling or crisis intervention. 

Many leaders may fear using check-ins or opening up their team to emotions because they fear a breakdown or imagine there will be weekly outbursts. Know that in my ten years using check-ins with literally thousands of different participants, I’ve only had to follow up a handful of times and I’ve never had to handle a situation that disrupted the work day for more than 30 minutes. 

Call to Action

Ideally, after reading this post, you feel more confident about welcoming emotions and whole people into your team. Consider implementing check-ins with your core team as soon as possible. 

A Deeper Dive: 

• Watch How to Validate in Place - my TEDx Talk about validating emotions and how to avoid FRAPing. 
• Read Why a Quick “Check-In” Makes Meetings More Effective - Another article about the art and science of the check-in 
• Take a Mental Health First Aid course - A course designed for lay-people to assist people experiencing a mental health crisis. 
• Read The Way of Council - the seminal book about group process

Yesterday, I volunteered for 9 hours at a vaccine clinic run by @SpectrumCares in the small city of Prescott Valley, AZ. Originally, I signed up to serve because of the promise of a vaccination. (I'm a Phase 2 vaccine candidate, and I wouldn't get my first dose until May.)

As my shift got closer, I got excited to be part of the effort to make my whole community safer. I started to think about how my grandparents and parents had served in wars and in their communities. I started feeling really grateful for the opportunity to take action...to do SOMETHING besides staying home and being nice to delivery people. It felt good to no longer be small and helpless in the face of tragedy.

What I discovered at the clinic, made me feel even better. The vaccine clinic was a model of cooperation, community, clarity, science, and hope.

It was a partnership: a nonprofit healthcare company, a for-profit business donating the site, the local & state government providing the doses, and the feds, through FEMA, coordinating volunteers. The presence of FEMA meant there were people there from all over the country, helping to protect our most vulnerable citizens. Young Black, Latinx FEMA workers called up from Louisiana, Virginia, even the Virgin Islands, here to take care of a bunch of old white people in a town famous for its racism. 

During a lull, I had a chat with a Gen Z woman from Suffolk, VA, who just wants to be busy and feel useful. I joked that here we were injecting Bill Gates' chips into everyone. She'd never even heard of that conspiracy theory. That was really refreshing.
 
The clinic was very well organized. Patients never had to wait more than a minute or two. The computer software was friendly and glitch-free. The vaccine doses appeared on my table in small batches, and we administered them swiftly. Patients were grateful and appreciative. As soon as we vaccinated a patient, they were able to immediately schedule their second dose. All were pleasantly surprised. 

It was a joy to interact with the mostly elderly patients; my community's elders. To keep them comfortable and positive as I readied the needle, I asked them what they were most looking forward once they were fully protected. Travel, grandchildren, graduations, and dining out with friends topped the list. Others spoke of their eagerness just to be free from fear and anxiety. All of my patients thanked me for my service. An 80-year-old Korean war vet thanked me for my service.

After a year of feeling despair at the willful stupidity and ignorance of my neighbors & continuous gaslighting by elected leaders, this acknowledgement of reality and common humanity was a profound blessing. 

All the patients marveled at the efficiency of the operation.
"The directions signs were so clear... I didn't expect that."
"You guys are so fast and friendly. I thought I'd be waiting in line for hours."
"I'm so relieved, I was worried I'd get here but be turned away." 
One patient even said, "I didn't know we could still do this kind of thing in America."

I understand his surprise. 

It turns out, despite the damage of the last 4 years, despite the anti-science, anti-community, toxic rhetoric, Americans can come together... at least for a little while... and work to solve a problem. 

I know that yesterday was just a tiny point of light. (I can't believe I'm quoting H.W. Bush.) And, despite my joy and relief at being part of the solution, we must do more. We vaccinated 500 people yesterday. We could have doubled that if we'd had the doses. 
But even 1000 vaccinations a day means our little, rural county won't be protected (80% immune) until August. That means Jose won't be able to go see his granddaughter graduate in May. That means more local businesses closing forever. That means too many deaths. 

The people, businesses, and nonprofits in my community are ready to rally. This cooperative effort showed me we can still be optimistic, capable Americans. We just need more resources from the state and federal government. We need more doses, more FEMA staff, more honesty. 

I've been so fortunate to be able to work from home and stay safe. Now I've got my first dose. It's time for me to pay it forward. I'll be volunteering once a week at vaccination clinics until we've knocked this pandemic back. And I'll be cultivating a little American optimism to go along with my hard-earned 2020 realism. We can do this. We have to do this.

(If you have a vaccine story, please post it in the comments.) ​