How Men Can Help Each Other Heal

Hear me out: it's time for men to help other men survive & recover from the wounds that manbox culture imposes on us. What does that look like? In the Apple+ TV show, the character Roy Kent shows us that support can be fierce, strong, silent and powerful.

Man Box culture includes constant policing, judging, and condemning of men by other men. We get teased, bullied, harassed, and shamed out of our own authentic, flawed, loving humanity and into a rigid expression of dominance and repression. 

(WARNING: Ted Lasso spoilers ahead.)

This week we saw how even a top dog, hyper-masculine bro like Jamie Tartt can get policed and shamed by an abusive dad. His father treats him to a barrage of put downs, some punctuated by the cover-lie, "Just jokin,' son."

Nothing new or surprising there. We've all faced joking abuse from friends, fathers, uncles, work mates, etc. "It's all in fun," but we are beginning to understand what that "fun" does to us. It decreases our free throw percentage, increases our BP, and shortens our lives. 

Jamie is not a Sensitive New-age Guy. At the beginning of S1 he is an egoist, a bully, a shallow boyfriend, and a terrible team player. But that embrace of Man Box culture does not insulate him from or inure him to the pain his father heaps on him, in full view of his teammates.

Participating, even being successful in Man Box culture does not protect us men from it! Displaying dominance never stops other, more dominant men from attempting to put us down. Constant overt or covert degradation is baked into this performance of masculinity.

In the show, Jamie's father digs at him until Jamie reacts physically. His heretofore frozen coaches finally intervene and separate the two and evict the dad. But Jamie is left in the center of the room, bereft, a stunning model for how Man Box Culture hurts men.

So, how do we men help each other survive and recover? Roy Kent shows us a way. One of the most traditionally masculine men on the show, his stoic, profane performance of masculinity ALSO includes deep empathy & the strength to stand with the small & vulnerable. (c.f. his relationship with niece Phoebe)

After Jamie's dad is evicted, there is a beat of two of awkward, painful silence. Then, across the room, Roy moves his head slightly, like one just jerking awake. He realizes what's called for & strides powerfully over to Jamie and gathers him into a deep hug. He speaks no words. Roy does not attempt to comfort Jamie or explain the hurt away. He does not put down the father in order to lift Jamie up. He doesn't ask Jamie to speak or engage. He just holds him.

This is what we can do for each other - just be present for each other's pain.

And notice what happens to Roy, part way through the hug. At first, his embrace is "bro-approved" with closed fist on Jamie's spine. But a few seconds in, Roy discovers he has more capacity, more strength to share & his hand opens up to create MORE contact with Jamie. 

This is how we help heal each other. Roy's hug gives Jamie a counter-narrative about his own worthiness & about how to be a man. Because the wounds of Man Box culture come mostly from other men, it is both strange & true that men are best situated to heal each other. It's time.

This is how we help heal each other. Roy's hug gives Jamie a counter-narrative about his own worthiness & about how to be a man. Because the wounds of Man Box culture come mostly from other men, it is both strange & true that men are best situated to heal each other. It's time.

I challenge every man to find ways to deepen your friendships by telling more truth, asking for more help, brave more vulnerability. Call out shallow or abusive behavior, even if it's "a joke." You deserve the connection, support, and healing.  Like many men, you might actually find it easier to practice vulnerability and relational skills in a men's group that meets regularly, virtually or in person. Go to MankindProject.org , Sacred Sons, HuMen, or Mensgroup.com and find a group that's a fit for you.

Men can also join me and other mens work practitioners on Clubhouse every other Friday. Find us at the Remaking Manhood Club.