I came close to ruining the organization and my career.
Fortunately, my board believed enough in my potential to call me to the carpet and get me some executive coaching. 
I could have chosen a performance-oriented coach who could have given me some tips and exercises for better collaboration and listening. Indeed, I offer some similar tips at the end of this post. But I knew my fall-back leadership habits were deeply rooted in unhealthy self-concept AND an outmoded understanding of what leadership actually IS. In order to really shift myself decisively from one leadership mode to another, I chose a coach skilled in deep, transformational techniques. 

The work I did with my coach started off with an assignment to describe my leadership style. I was stymied. That fact that I could not even describe my style or explain what I was trying to do with my leadership was a strong indication that I was leading from an automatic, un-self-reflective place and therefore susceptible to all the ingrained but unhelpful cultural memes about Old Strength leadership. 
As my coach and I continued, he introduced mindfulness meditation to help me shift out of fear and anxiety and into a more confident, conscious readiness for change. We then tackled the task of personal purpose definition. My coach had the good sense to make sure I approached this part of the work from a deeply personal perspective. Rather than just ask me what I thought my purpose was and to list my broad goals, he had me imagine my own death and funeral [gulp] and write down what I would like said about me at that memorial. After staring at a blank page for a handful of minutes, embarrassed at the prospect of eulogizing myself, I found the words pouring out of my pen. I discovered how much I cared about leaving a lasting, meaningful impact with my work. AND I realized how much that impact would depend on my relationships with people… not my ego, not my ideas, but my relationships. 

This reflective inner work helped me understand that my worth as a human was not and is not tied to my place in a rigid hierarchy but to how much I’m able to lift other people up so that they feel powerful. I was now ready to move my frightened ego out of the way and into its proper place behind purpose, impact, relationships, and the greater good.   With deep introspection and support, I discovered that beneath my fear of failure was a powerful passion for the organization and its work. That passion gave me the courage to ask my team (the same team I’d battered with unreasonable demands and unceasing control) for help to become a better leader. Over the next few years we thrived and succeeded together, tripling the impact of our programs while keeping the budget contained. 

 Here are my key learnings from my fall-back and recovery: 

• Top-down, directive power doesn't empower or engage employees. 
• If you feel frustrated and alone, it's likely because you've separated yourself from your team. 
• Don't be afraid to ask for help. Most people will happily rise to meet you.
• Take time to listen to your heart and soul so you can stay connected to your passion and purpose.

Promise
My personal story is not an exceptional one. Despite decades of organizational change research and cultural progress, old, outmoded, unhelpful, and unhealthy leadership styles and modes remain in our psyches and systems. You can see old strength ideas in quotes like: 

• “Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.” – Lewis Grizzard 
• “In the simplest terms, a leader is one who knows where he wants to go, and gets up and goes.” ~ John Erskine
• Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way.” ~ Gen. George Patton
• “Keep your fears to yourself, but share your courage with others.” ~ Robert Louis Stevenson
• “My job is not to be easy on people. My job is to make them better.” ~ Steve Jobs

OR Memes like: 

• “My way or the highway.”
• “Failure is not an option.”
• “Only the strong survive.”

Or practices like:

• Top-down decision making that excludes stakeholders
• Gaslighting and coverups when things go badly
• Hiring from the in-group
• Harassment, hazing, and bullying
• Executive washrooms and parking

Fortunately, even with the prevalence of old school leadership memes, practices, and expectations in our culture, it is possible to shift leadership modes and organizational culture toward those powered by New Strength. For individuals, deep, transformational work may be required. For organizations, a thorough audit of practices and procedures may have to take place. 

Call to Action
Take the simple leadership assessment that Lisa Barnwell and I created. It will help you determine how much of your leadership style is unhelpful and how much is based on brave New Strength. At the end of the assessment, you’ll have access to some additional leadership resources.

In the meantime, Choose 2-3 of the following personal leadership actions to try on for size. 

• Ask more questions and make fewer statements
• Speak last in discussions 
• Ask for help more often, even when you don’t really need it.
• Call out and compliment leadership in others  
• Learn to use coaching techniques rather than directing others 
• Eschew executive perks  
• Ensure you get 360 degree feedback 
• Display Vulnerability (Post about vulnerability coming soon!)

Also, if it is in your power,  consider making some institutional changes like the one’s below. 

• Institute check-ins to bring emotions and values into the workplace. You can read about check in’s here. 
• Implement checklists to democratize process leadership. 
• Onboard new employees with a comprehensive process that includes values alignment and  relationship building.
• Develop a formal mentoring program.
• Include consistent and comprehensive Diversity, Equity, & Inclusion training and audits.

You can take these actions to consciously push back against any unconscious or habitual use of old strength leadership. Try it out and let me know how it goes! I suspect you will find relief and relationships that sustain you and your mission. ​

A theme of #internationalmensday this year is creating better relations between men and women at work. Sounds great, right?

My conversation this week, though, with a powerful, thoughtful colleague revealed a common block to positive gender relations. As we talked about how my work with men includes harassment prevention, he grimaced and said, "I've never gotten that whole thing. I've always treated women with respect. I just don't see it."

This is the big elephant in the room, isn't it? There is a great gulf between women's lived reality and men's _perceived_ reality. At least 38% of US women experience harassment at work and 95% of the time, the perpetrators go unpunished. Women know this. They live it, feel it, make personal and career decisions around this reality, and it affects their ability to rise, succeed, and lead.

Most men, though, are not perpetrators. Most men are not the target of harassment. Most men do not experience a hostile work environment. Our _perception_ is that everything is fine. And until we accept that our perception is not the whole reality, there will always be this gap in our relations with women at work. The perception gap will prevent men from being true allies and prevent women from feeling free and fully engaged at work.

This Men's Day, it's time for men to help other men widen their circle of understanding and perception to include women's experience. It will be uncomfortable... widening the circle includes taking in some painful new information. But if we want a really effective workplace and true equity, it's time to bridge the gap.

(And here's the secret, selfish reason to do the work... Men who are effective allies at work report more personal growth that helps them be better husbands, partners, and parents. Bonus.)

I invite men to follow social media accounts that talk about how men can make a difference. My go-to twitter follows in include:
@SpeakUpAtWork
@remakingmanhood
@emrazz
@feministabulous
@JasonRogersUSA
 
I also invite you to join me  on Clubhouse every Friday at noon EST to engage in a facilitated conversation with men who are practicing the courageous work of listening, speaking authentically, supporting each other and growing in to the best, most powerful versions of themselves. 

​Let's get this elephant out of the room and make room for a couch and a snack bar!

#workculturematters #mensmentalhealth #womenatwork

Hear me out. It's time for men to help other men shift from guarded, defensiveness into full participation in a powerful culture of accountability. Victimhood and denial only serve to keep us weak and lonely.

Accountability on the other hand, calls forth our strengths around engagement, problem-solving, & exploration, all while we exercise empathy, listening, and ally-ship. 

Men, when you get called out for sexism, bullying, homophobia, racism, etc., EVEN IF you're just being included in the group of perpetrators b/c you're a man, take a breath. Stay curious, present, patient, and caring. Know that you have power. Use it to listen.

Talk to other, trusted men already working with women, POC, LGBTQi folks, etc. Ask them for insight. (Don't take advice from men who are in victim mode or who blame women. Those men have traded their strong heart for false power & a "brotherhood" of lies & complaints.)  

Build a culture of accountability inside and around yourself. Acknowledge your personal responsibility for your past actions as well as shared responsibility for actions done by other men. When we take ownership we can act and heal ourselves and others.

Acknowledge the grief and fear that comes up in you and others. Grief about the past... fear of the future. Don't deny or suppress those emotions in yourself. Find the strength to hold space for others as they feel fully. Grief frees us up to move forward.

Know that we are so much stronger on the other side of listening, learning, and grieving than we are stuck in denial and defense. Know that we are incredibly more powerful in open ally-ship than in sealed silos. Don't "go your own way!" We need you here!

• Looking for other ways to move toward real, authentic, useful strength?  Download my helpful "New Strength" guide. It outlines the 4 obsolete strength modalities to avoid, and introduces 4 ready-to-use modes that will improve your life and leadership. Click the button below. 

​