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How to Redesign Leadership w/New Strength  The old, outmoded understanding of strength depends on exerting power over people in a zero-sum game of dominance contests, oppression, and exclusion. This kind of "strength" is all too familiar. You’ve probably worked in teams led by insecure bullies, aloof neglectful supervisors, or witnessed mysterious decisions being made by members of the old-boys-club. Or perhaps you notice yourself relying on it when you're stressed out or insecure. This “old strength” leadership creates dependency or resentment instead of empowerment and it stifles creativity. Organizations led this way are too rigid to pivot when conditions change, and too hierarchical and guarded to develop a new generation of innovative leaders. Old strength leadership dooms individual leaders, their organizations, and, ultimately, the culture. Unfortunately, this old leadership mode prevails when individuals haven’t done the inner work to replace it or when outdated structures prevent new modes of thinking and sharing power. Years ago, I was promoted to a top leadership position for which I was just barely qualified for. The combination of my drive to do well and my fear of failure caused me to drop everything I knew about collaborative, servant leadership. I became demanding, rigid and aloof. I was a drill sergeant when I should have been a mentor. I was so afraid of judgement from above and the tenuousness of my position that I fought with my direct-reports over capitalization standards in their weekly reports. This top-down approach sabotaged my relationships with my team and their performance plummeted. Instead of investigating my role in the dysfunction, I doubled down on my power-over, oppressive leadership and while feeling more and more frustrated, lonely, and scared. I came close to ruining the organization and my career. Fortunately, my board believed enough in my potential to call me to the carpet and get me some executive coaching. I could have chosen a performance-oriented coach who could have given me some tips and exercises for better collaboration and listening. Indeed, I offer some similar tips at the end of this post. But I knew my fall-back leadership habits were deeply rooted in unhealthy self-concept AND an outmoded understanding of what leadership actually IS. In order to really shift myself decisively from one leadership mode to another, I chose a coach skilled in deep, transformational techniques. The work I did with my coach started off with an assignment to describe my leadership style. I was stymied. That fact that I could not even describe my style or explain what I was trying to do with my leadership was a strong indication that I was leading from an automatic, un-self-reflective place and therefore susceptible to all the ingrained but unhelpful cultural memes about Old Strength leadership. As my coach and I continued, he introduced mindfulness meditation to help me shift out of fear and anxiety and into a more confident, conscious readiness for change. We then tackled the task of personal purpose definition. My coach had the good sense to make sure I approached this part of the work from a deeply personal perspective. Rather than just ask me what I thought my purpose was and to list my broad goals, he had me imagine my own death and funeral [gulp] and write down what I would like said about me at that memorial. After staring at a blank page for a handful of minutes, embarrassed at the prospect of eulogizing myself, I found the words pouring out of my pen. I discovered how much I cared about leaving a lasting, meaningful impact with my work. AND I realized how much that impact would depend on my relationships with people… not my ego, not my ideas, but my relationships. This reflective inner work helped me understand that my worth as a human was not and is not tied to my place in a rigid hierarchy but to how much I’m able to lift other people up so that they feel powerful. I was now ready to move my frightened ego out of the way and into its proper place behind purpose, impact, relationships, and the greater good. With deep introspection and support, I discovered that beneath my fear of failure was a powerful passion for the organization and its work. That passion gave me the courage to ask my team (the same team I’d battered with unreasonable demands and unceasing control) for help to become a better leader. Over the next few years we thrived and succeeded together, tripling the impact of our programs while keeping the budget contained. Here are my key learnings from my fall-back and recovery:
Promise My personal story is not an exceptional one. Despite decades of organizational change research and cultural progress, old, outmoded, unhelpful, and unhealthy leadership styles and modes remain in our psyches and systems. You can see old strength ideas in quotes like:
Fortunately, even with the prevalence of old school leadership memes, practices, and expectations in our culture, it is possible to shift leadership modes and organizational culture toward those powered by New Strength. For individuals, deep, transformational work may be required. For organizations, a thorough audit of practices and procedures may have to take place. Call to Action Take the simple leadership assessment that Lisa Barnwell and I created. It will help you determine how much of your leadership style is unhelpful and how much is based on brave New Strength. At the end of the assessment, you’ll have access to some additional leadership resources. In the meantime, Choose 2-3 of the following personal leadership actions to try on for size.
Also, if it is in your power, consider making some institutional changes like the one’s below.
You can take these actions to consciously push back against any unconscious or habitual use of old strength leadership. Try it out and let me know how it goes! I suspect you will find relief and relationships that sustain you and your mission. Related Articles and Videos
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 A theme of #internationalmensday this year is creating better relations between men and women at work. Sounds great, right? My conversation this week, though, with a powerful, thoughtful colleague revealed a common block to positive gender relations. As we talked about how my work with men includes harassment prevention, he grimaced and said, "I've never gotten that whole thing. I've always treated women with respect. I just don't see it." This is the big elephant in the room, isn't it? There is a great gulf between women's lived reality and men's _perceived_ reality. At least 38% of US women experience harassment at work and 95% of the time, the perpetrators go unpunished. Women know this. They live it, feel it, make personal and career decisions around this reality, and it affects their ability to rise, succeed, and lead. Most men, though, are not perpetrators. Most men are not the target of harassment. Most men do not experience a hostile work environment. Our _perception_ is that everything is fine. And until we accept that our perception is not the whole reality, there will always be this gap in our relations with women at work. The perception gap will prevent men from being true allies and prevent women from feeling free and fully engaged at work. This Men's Day, it's time for men to help other men widen their circle of understanding and perception to include women's experience. It will be uncomfortable... widening the circle includes taking in some painful new information. But if we want a really effective workplace and true equity, it's time to bridge the gap. (And here's the secret, selfish reason to do the work... Men who are effective allies at work report more personal growth that helps them be better husbands, partners, and parents. Bonus.) I invite men to follow social media accounts that talk about how men can make a difference. My go-to twitter follows in include: @SpeakUpAtWork @remakingmanhood @emrazz @feministabulous @JasonRogersUSA I also invite you to join me on Clubhouse every Friday at noon EST to engage in a facilitated conversation with men who are practicing the courageous work of listening, speaking authentically, supporting each other and growing in to the best, most powerful versions of themselves. Let's get this elephant out of the room and make room for a couch and a snack bar! #workculturematters #mensmentalhealth #womenatwork
 Build a Culture of Accountability Instead Hear me out. It's time for men to help other men shift from guarded, defensiveness into full participation in a powerful culture of accountability. Victimhood and denial only serve to keep us weak and lonely.
Accountability on the other hand, calls forth our strengths around engagement, problem-solving, & exploration, all while we exercise empathy, listening, and ally-ship. Men, when you get called out for sexism, bullying, homophobia, racism, etc., EVEN IF you're just being included in the group of perpetrators b/c you're a man, take a breath. Stay curious, present, patient, and caring. Know that you have power. Use it to listen. Talk to other, trusted men already working with women, POC, LGBTQi folks, etc. Ask them for insight. (Don't take advice from men who are in victim mode or who blame women. Those men have traded their strong heart for false power & a "brotherhood" of lies & complaints.) Build a culture of accountability inside and around yourself. Acknowledge your personal responsibility for your past actions as well as shared responsibility for actions done by other men. When we take ownership we can act and heal ourselves and others. Acknowledge the grief and fear that comes up in you and others. Grief about the past... fear of the future. Don't deny or suppress those emotions in yourself. Find the strength to hold space for others as they feel fully. Grief frees us up to move forward. Know that we are so much stronger on the other side of listening, learning, and grieving than we are stuck in denial and defense. Know that we are incredibly more powerful in open ally-ship than in sealed silos. Don't "go your own way!" We need you here!
 Hear me out: it's time for men to help other men survive & recover from the wounds that manbox culture imposes on us. What does that look like? In the Apple+ TV show, the character Roy Kent shows us that support can be fierce, strong, silent and powerful. Man Box culture includes constant policing, judging, and condemning of men by other men. We get teased, bullied, harassed, and shamed out of our own authentic, flawed, loving humanity and into a rigid expression of dominance and repression. (WARNING: Ted Lasso spoilers ahead.) This week we saw how even a top dog, hyper-masculine bro like Jamie Tartt can get policed and shamed by an abusive dad. His father treats him to a barrage of put downs, some punctuated by the cover-lie, "Just jokin,' son." Nothing new or surprising there. We've all faced joking abuse from friends, fathers, uncles, work mates, etc. "It's all in fun," but we are beginning to understand what that "fun" does to us. It decreases our free throw percentage, increases our BP, and shortens our lives. Jamie is not a Sensitive New-age Guy. At the beginning of S1 he is an egoist, a bully, a shallow boyfriend, and a terrible team player. But that embrace of Man Box culture does not insulate him from or inure him to the pain his father heaps on him, in full view of his teammates. Participating, even being successful in Man Box culture does not protect us men from it! Displaying dominance never stops other, more dominant men from attempting to put us down. Constant overt or covert degradation is baked into this performance of masculinity. In the show, Jamie's father digs at him until Jamie reacts physically. His heretofore frozen coaches finally intervene and separate the two and evict the dad. But Jamie is left in the center of the room, bereft, a stunning model for how Man Box Culture hurts men. So, how do we men help each other survive and recover? Roy Kent shows us a way. One of the most traditionally masculine men on the show, his stoic, profane performance of masculinity ALSO includes deep empathy & the strength to stand with the small & vulnerable. (c.f. his relationship with niece Phoebe) After Jamie's dad is evicted, there is a beat of two of awkward, painful silence. Then, across the room, Roy moves his head slightly, like one just jerking awake. He realizes what's called for & strides powerfully over to Jamie and gathers him into a deep hug. He speaks no words. Roy does not attempt to comfort Jamie or explain the hurt away. He does not put down the father in order to lift Jamie up. He doesn't ask Jamie to speak or engage. He just holds him.  This is what we can do for each other - just be present for each other's pain. And notice what happens to Roy, part way through the hug. At first, his embrace is "bro-approved" with closed fist on Jamie's spine. But a few seconds in, Roy discovers he has more capacity, more strength to share & his hand opens up to create MORE contact with Jamie.  This is how we help heal each other. Roy's hug gives Jamie a counter-narrative about his own worthiness & about how to be a man. Because the wounds of Man Box culture come mostly from other men, it is both strange & true that men are best situated to heal each other. It's time.
This is how we help heal each other. Roy's hug gives Jamie a counter-narrative about his own worthiness & about how to be a man. Because the wounds of Man Box culture come mostly from other men, it is both strange & true that men are best situated to heal each other. It's time. I challenge every man to find ways to deepen your friendships by telling more truth, asking for more help, brave more vulnerability. Call out shallow or abusive behavior, even if it's "a joke." You deserve the connection, support, and healing. Like many men, you might actually find it easier to practice vulnerability and relational skills in a men's group that meets regularly, virtually or in person. Go to MankindProject.org , Sacred Sons, HuMen, or Mensgroup.com and find a group that's a fit for you. Men can also join me and other mens work practitioners on Clubhouse every other Friday. Find us at the Remaking Manhood Club.  TWO WAYS TO DEVELOP THE RELATIONSHIPS AND STRENGTH YOU NEED TO BE USEFUL IN TOUGH TIMESne of Mark Greene’s latest blog posts is titled “White Racism is an Extinction Level Flaw in Our Species.” The word “extinction” caught my eye and wrenched at my heart. I’m wondering if it did the same to yours. Greene lists a number of serious and seemingly intractable problems that beset the human species: environmental collapse, war, disease, waning resources. We’ve known about all these crises for decades and meaningful action seems out of reach. Greene points to") numerous studies that show that diversity and inclusion are powerful catalysts for creativity and accomplishing ambitious goals. (Here’s a link to one of the studies he cites.)
Because individual prejudice and systemic racism prevent inclusion and diversity, they block the creativity we need to create change and meet our challenges. They also prevent the formation of energized, sustainable communities that we need to work together and avoid extinction. White men in particular are more susceptible to hierarchical systems and get sucked into perpetuating misogyny and racism from an early age. No matter how loving and egalitarian our parents are, we grow up into a world where manhood means suppressing our emotions and our tenderness and “acting tough” instead. And one way to prove our manhood is to throw women and girls under the bus. This set of demands pushes men into an old model for strength and masculinity. That model depends on wielding power over others who are different while repressing what is unique about one’s self. Our early and ongoing experience with the repression and discrimination makes it easy for us to fall for racist tropes and myths. Our struggles with the win-lose, dog-eat-dog world of the playground and the workplace make it easier to believe that we can only succeed when we’re holding someone else down. And so we become examples of the problem that Greene describes: men calling other men “sheep” or “pussies” for wearing masks that protect the community and the economy; men actively working to sabotage police brutality protests against police violence by turning them violent; men voting for authoritarian leaders because we secretly like watching them put others down. These are the behaviors that make our crises worse and dry up the hope in our hearts. But I’m a white man and I don’t want to go extinct. I don’t want to be part of an “extinction-level flaw.” I’m guessing you don’t either. Fortunately there’s still time for men - all men - to be an active, valuable, and effective part of the solution. If and when more men step out of the old model of masculinity and learn to exercise the “new strength” of compassion, inclusion, and vulnerability, we’ll disrupt the rise of white supremacism and break up the logjam that prevents us from implementing the solutions we already have. Imagine how, once men are on board, how quickly we’ll suppress the coronavirus, build clean energy infrastructure, reform our economy, and end police brutality. For a man raised in the Man Box culture, fully becoming part of the solution is not easy or quick. There’s a lot of de-programing to do. I’ve been working on creating an authentic, anti-misogyistic and anti-racist manhood for myself for decades. But there are two concrete steps I can recommend for men who want to be part of the solution. One: recognize when you are falling into the old ways - the old strength of put downs, discrimination, and power over. These behaviors are old traps set specifically to bring you down. It can feel powerful or at least a little thrilling to feel momentarily better than another. But when you play that game, you never really win. There’s always a million or a billion other men standing on your hands or head as you try to squirm up the ladder of hierarchy that old strength built. Better to step outside of the game and be free of the unending competition . ne of Mark Greene’s latest blog posts is titled “White Racism is an Extinction Level Flaw in Our Species.” The word “extinction” caught my eye and wrenched at my heart. I’m wondering if it did the same to yours. Greene lists a number of serious and seemingly intractable problems that beset the human species: environmental collapse, war, disease, waning resources. We’ve known about all these crises for decades and meaningful action seems out of reach. Greene points to") numerous studies that show that diversity and inclusion are powerful catalysts for creativity and accomplishing ambitious goals. (Here’s a link to one of the studies he cites.) Because individual prejudice and systemic racism prevent inclusion and diversity, they block the creativity we need to create change and meet our challenges. They also prevent the formation of energized, sustainable communities that we need to work together and avoid extinction. White men in particular are more susceptible to hierarchical systems and get sucked into perpetuating misogyny and racism from an early age. No matter how loving and egalitarian our parents are, we grow up into a world where manhood means suppressing our emotions and our tenderness and “acting tough” instead. And one way to prove our manhood is to throw women and girls under the bus. This set of demands pushes men into an old model for strength and masculinity. That model depends on wielding power over others who are different while repressing what is unique about one’s self. Our early and ongoing experience with the repression and discrimination makes it easy for us to fall for racist tropes and myths. Our struggles with the win-lose, dog-eat-dog world of the playground and the workplace make it easier to believe that we can only succeed when we’re holding someone else down. And so we become examples of the problem that Greene describes: men calling other men “sheep” or “pussies” for wearing masks that protect the community and the economy; men actively working to sabotage police brutality protests against police violence by turning them violent; men voting for authoritarian leaders because we secretly like watching them put others down. These are the behaviors that make our crises worse and dry up the hope in our hearts. But I’m a white man and I don’t want to go extinct. I don’t want to be part of an “extinction-level flaw.” I’m guessing you don’t either. Fortunately there’s still time for men - all men - to be an active, valuable, and effective part of the solution. If and when more men step out of the old model of masculinity and learn to exercise the “new strength” of compassion, inclusion, and vulnerability, we’ll disrupt the rise of white supremacism and break up the logjam that prevents us from implementing the solutions we already have. Imagine how, once men are on board, how quickly we’ll suppress the coronavirus, build clean energy infrastructure, reform our economy, and end police brutality. For a man raised in the Man Box culture, fully becoming part of the solution is not easy or quick. There’s a lot of de-programing to do. I’ve been working on creating an authentic, anti-misogyistic and anti-racist manhood for myself for decades. But there are two concrete steps I can recommend for men who want to be part of the solution. One: recognize when you are falling into the old ways - the old strength of put downs, discrimination, and power over. These behaviors are old traps set specifically to bring you down. It can feel powerful or at least a little thrilling to feel momentarily better than another. But when you play that game, you never really win. There’s always a million or a billion other men standing on your hands or head as you try to squirm up the ladder of hierarchy that old strength built. Better to step outside of the game and be free of the unending competition . Two: Start believing women and people of color when they tell you their stories. I found it - still find it - particularly hard to always practice this kind of “new strength.” I found it incredibly painful because the stories can be heart rending. I don’t want to believe the tales of assault, rape, and daily misogyny. I don’t want to believe the history of cold-hearted systemic racism nor the nightmare tales of bloody, violent oppression. For many years, my identity as a “good guy” depended on dismissing these truths so that I could live in a world where I and my fellow men were not complicit in terror and violence. But something powerful and wonderful happened as I learned to sit there in the pain and distress as I listened. I grew more capable of handling the shame and anger that came up for me and more capable of being in relationship with people who had been harmed or oppressed. When I set down the tools and traditions of the old strength, I found new, better ones. By setting down my desire to feel power over others, I found out how to have power with. I became a much better leader, boss, and husband. And because I improved my ability to be in relationship with a diverse group of people I am now embedded in a supportive community. We celebrate each other and each other’s contributions to the whole and we can get more accomplished. I don’t have to be a fatal flaw, I am becoming part of the solution, and so can you.: Start believing women and people of color when they tell you their stories. I found it - still find it - particularly hard to always practice this kind of “new strength.” I found it incredibly painful because the stories can be heart rending. I don’t want to believe the tales of assault, rape, and daily misogyny. I don’t want to believe the history of cold-hearted systemic racism nor the nightmare tales of bloody, violent oppression. For many years, my identity as a “good guy” depended on dismissing these truths so that I could live in a world where I and my fellow men were not complicit in terror and violence. But something powerful and wonderful happened as I learned to sit there in the pain and distress as I listened. I grew more capable of handling the shame and anger that came up for me and more capable of being in relationship with people who had been harmed or oppressed. When I set down the tools and traditions of the old strength, I found new, better ones. By setting down my desire to feel power over others, I found out how to have power with. I became a much better leader, boss, and husband. And because I improved my ability to be in relationship with a diverse group of people I am now embedded in a supportive community. We celebrate each other and each other’s contributions to the whole and we can get more accomplished. I don’t have to be a fatal flaw, I am becoming part of the solution, and so can you. |
AuthorCharles Matheus grew up in an old mining town in Arizona. He managed to graduate from an Ivy League University and knows that you won't hold that against him. Archives
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